Just Give Me Jesus

I know it has been awhile since I last wrote here and I really struggle to put my thoughts down in this format, but for my friends and family who occasionally check in and for that random reader who might just have an opinion, I feel I need to write again.

So here is something that has really been driving me crazy and I just need to vocalize it. I have really been going through such a dry stretch spiritually. This is for a number of reasons which include, but are not limited to:

1) Work schedules that include overnight shifts that keep my husband from getting home before church starts and my utter lack of desire to go to service by myself.

2) Not totally understanding where we are in our lives and where we go from here and feeling a bit like God isn't really concerned with that (even though I know better and continue to talk to Him about this).

3) Total disappointment with what seems to be the great topic of teaching in churches that I am associated with and even the one I attend. I am so confused as to why Jesus seems totally forgotten in church.

It is on point 3 that I will vent for now. Seriously, I know it is July 4th week and some churches are choosing to honor the Friday holiday on either Sunday surrounding it. Let me just say for the record--I love this country. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!! I cry at the National Anthem, I can't say enough thank you's to those service people who are giving their lives in service to our country. I love history and Kevin and I are currently listening to a great book on CD about the Founding Fathers. I love this country.

What I am challenged by is the swapping of patriotism for faithfulness and religious belief. I think churches should honor the birthday of this country and to talk about our religious history and the role faith plays in our lives as citizens. Have a concert, present a program, please, honor our military, but could we please not forget that our worship is to be of Jesus and not the United States.

Our speaker on Sunday morning was a politician and a professor of communication at a local university. Both of these things appeal to me. Unfortunately, the presentation was just bad. No coherent point, all over the place in terms of organization, you name it. I would have failed the speech in one of my Freshman level classes, but to top it off, she claimed that the Constitution was a divinely inspired document and that she is pretty sure that the founder's must have prayed daily as they began their sessions and prayed about the document that God was giving them to write. It was all I could do to stay and keep listening.

The Constitution is a great document, but it is not anywhere near divinely inspired. No where near scripture in my opinion. Seriously!!! It has been amended 20 times. Did God get it wrong the first time with the inspiration or maybe they just weren't listening on those points.

Again, I am all for demonstrations of patriotism, but couldn't we have just worshiped Jesus? Couldn't we have been taught about true freedom? The freedom that only comes from a personal relationship with Jesus???

Our church is not the only one with this fervor...combine and election year with the 4th and whew!!! Topics I have heard recently include that Thomas Jefferson was really tantamount to an Evangelical and a Christian Education class that is talking about the British failure of the Jews after WWII. What???? Jesus...that is what we need...that is what I need. That is what we all need.

I am just so discouraged that I get more and more why people are leaving the church. We can't use words like sanctification and we can't teach doctrine and theology. Really??? People don't know those words and the reason behind our theology because we are spending our time on the apologetics of Thomas Jefferson and not on teaching people about Jesus and the gifts he has given us and the role they play in our lives.

I guess I just feel alone in my quest to serve the Lord better. It is lonely. We are taught that we need the church and the community of the faithful to build our faith, but if this is what the church sees as the important topics of faith, then I am not sure I want it. Just being honest.

So there is my vent. I am praying about this, too. I am not just talking about it. I hope that reveals something new that I can share later on.

Writing to Want to Write

I will be honest, I need to be writing. I am trying to finish a dissertation...okay, let's be honest...while I have been researching for over a year now...I need to start writing a dissertation so that I can stop being in school and finally get a job that will help pay back the investment I have made in all of this education.

I have not been very successful and sharing my thoughts in this forum and after my trip to Europe, I haven't even been writing in my "old-fashioned" journal. I can't seem to write. I literally feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I know that is crazy. I have been writing for over 10 years in an academic capacity. This is no different. There is nothing monumentous about a dissertation...or so I have been told. Dissertations are just the accumulation of the writing you have done for the last two years...or so I have been told.

The truth is, I am burned out. The burning bush that Moses stood in front of was clearly on fire but was never consumed. I feel like the fire is out and I am burned to a crisp. I am tired and I am lost and I feel all alone on this one.

I am scared to write. Ultimately, that is what it comes down to. I have made it this far and now I am on my own and I am scared out of my mind that I do not really have a clue what I am doing. I have been told that I just need to do a "brain dump." I just need to sit down and just empty my brain. And yet, I am afraid.

I have the best husband and I have the most supportive family. I have friends who are the most loyal and uplifting. It is not the people around me or my circumstance. No one has "done this to me" or "caused this situation." I don't want any of you who read this to think that you are responsible or in some way have brought me to this place. I am the reason I cannot write. It is the voice inside of me that says..."You cannot do this." There is nothing to say.

This is why I have come back here. I thought, if I just write. If I just start to put what is in my head out on the page, then I will have nothing left, but what I have immersed myself in for the last two years. I believe in what I am studying. I believe the voices need to be heard and that our daughters will have a different experience if these voices are finally given their due. I still believe that it call comes back to rhetoric and if we examine our communication, we can change the world. I still believe that...somewhere.

I guess this is what Ben refers to as a "brain dump". I need to dump it all and just get back to the beginning...and write.

There's No Place Like Home

So the blog thing hasn't worked as well as I thought it would. I was really excited to journal while we traveled and to keep updated on what we did and the things we saw, but alas, it was not to be. First, all the blog instructions were in German and when my password didn't seem to want to work so I could post, the instruction email also came in German. I guess I just need to learn German!

We have been home for a few days now and it is almost better to be home than it was to be away. That is not to say I didn't have a great time or that I regret going or any of that, but if there is one thing that I realized while I was away...I have a great life. I have a great life. I have a great husband, a great dog, a good job, great teaching opportunities, great friends, a great church. You name it. I have a great life.

I think that too often we get so caught up in the nature of wanting more, looking over the rainbow for the next tomorrow and what it will bring us. I am very goal oriented and with that comes a sense of looking ahead and planning. I think I get too caught up in that. I am constantly looking ahead. Unfortunately, I have often looked beyond the amazing things I have right now in order to do this. I still want to be a planner and I still want to set goals, but I really want to see what is in front of me.

I want to taste each moment and live for right now. I know that sounds so trite, but it is really true. I have never been so happy as I have been since coming home. I know where I belong, I know who I belong with and I know that what I have been given is an amazing gift. Both Kevin and I have said that we believe we are stronger as a result of this trip. We are not up for this kind of lesson again anytime soon, but we are so thankful that we had a chance to really learn that who we are and what we have is just exactly what we want. We don't need tomorrow. Today is just enough.

Off to the Alps

I am in Atlanta sitting at the airport...trying to get some work done. One more hour to go and it is off to Munich with my friend, Robin. I am so excited and so anxious and so ready to just be there. I will post from our trip and send some pictures along the way. Enjoy!

Conversations

I have been trying to come up with a blog name so that I too can enter the world of the internet communicators, but it was a greater challenge than I thought. The Exodus account of Moses with God in the burning bush has been and c ontinues to be my favorite bible narrative.

God is truely my I AM. I hope through my conversations at the burning bush that I AM is revealed to you as well.