Saturday, July 4, 2009

What Price Freedom?

Over the course of the last few weeks, I have really been contemplating the concept of freedom. What does freedom really mean? What is freedom? It seems that today, the 4th of July, that there is no better day to take this internal debate and hash it out before the universe.

We hear a lot about freedom in our American culture. It usually follows a discussion about personal liberty and the rugged individualism that so permeates the American mystique. Is that really what the founding fathers had intended? Is that really what they were fighting for? Since leaving his beloved Virginia a couple of years ago, Kevin and I have become students of those fathers. We watch every history channel documentary, listen to historians analysis in books on cd/podcast, and talk for hours about the courage and conviction these men seemed to possess yet find a realism about them in their flaws. While "all men are created equal" was the words they would write, it was not a belief most of them held. When Abagail Adams implored her husband to "remember the Ladies" he scoffed at her ideas, yet she was his most trusted advisor and surely was both husband and wife while he was away contemplating what this new experiment would look like. Most could not reconcile the issue of the slave with their concepts of freedom and concocted convoluted notions of person hood to justify the evil they could not admit to themselves was present in their midst.

We have a mystique in America about the "rugged individualist" and we call this freedom. Yet, often what we lack is the need to have interdependence to serve right along side our Independence. Even the founders understood this. While they fought for liberty from tyranny, they could not go it alone. Had the colonies not come together, the outcome could have been very different. They had to work out their differences which often led to compromise in order to plot out what was to become the United States of America. United is a key word there. Individualism and unity strike me as being in contrast to one another. Yet, united is what we needed to become in order to accomplish our Independence. Ironic, isn't it?

It was the Union which Lincoln sought to preserve. While the sin of slavery was ripping the nation apart, in order to truly deal with it, the union was necessary. It was a messy, bloody and flawed process that we often still see scars of, but United we emerged as the house divided against itself could not stand.

As a Christian, I can only reconcile what freedom actually is by looking at the freedom I am given in Christ. Yet, does that freedom mean that I can now live my life as I choose? Am I free to be and do whatever my heart sees fit? Over and over, the answer to that is no. In order to live out my freedom I am accountable to both God and my fellow man. I will be judged on my actions and how I treat those God has brought into my life. I need a community in order to be challenged, corrected and to promote growth. I am free, yet I am not independent, but rather dependant.

It seems that to have freedom, we must not "go it alone," but we must see our need for one another. Isn't that what God decided from day one in the garden? Maybe he meant, it is not good for mankind to be an individual, but I will make another with which they can be interdependent so that real freedom can be found.

I saw this posted on a friends Facebook page this morning: "It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom." Paul the Apostle.

To truly be free we must be willing to give up ourselves and to serve one another. To love others as ourselves which is a denying of self. Is this the freedom that the founders desired? While they may not have articulated it in the evangelical manner some would ascribe to them, I think it is a universal truth and transcends. We must care for one another, serve one another, put others before ourselves and give up our independence in order that we might truly be free.

As we embark upon our 234th year as citizens of the United States of America, I want to commit myself to serving more, loving more and giving up more of myself in order to see that the greatest experiment in history can live on, but live on in a new way where my focus is not so much on me and what is right and best for me, but what is right and best for those God has brought into my life and those I have yet to encounter. May we learn to be more interdependent and know that freedom comes at an enormous price, a personal price, but the God of the Universe stands before us already having paid the price so that we can be truly, honestly free.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Not All Soul Music Comes From the Church

I am supposed to be writing today, but there is a lot on my mind right now. Part of it is just the season...it is the end of the semester and I am still both a student and an educator. I am wrapping up the semester and I am finishing chapters for my dissertation. I am also not feeling well with an annual sinus infection that is overtaking my body and my mind. So why, do you ask, are you wasting your time at a blog that you cannot keep up with and in a format that so little people pay attention to?

A wise mentor once told me that you need to write something every day. I struggle a lot with that as I wonder why anyone would care what I had to say. Well, I have come to realize that this writing is for me and if someone else happens upon it and it speaks to them too...you get a double blessing. So I am writing if only to purge thoughts from my soul so I can then get to the writing that I have set aside for the day and then I can say I accomplished something.

In the same vein of self-disclosure and laying my predjudice on the table, I also have to admit that I continue on a path of spiritual discontentment and questioning. It is just the season I am in right now. I wish I could tell you that my faith is so strong and clear that when these moments come, that I am firm in my faith and I am not tossed by the wind. That, however, would be a bold and utter lie. I am naturally a questioner...ask my mother. "Why?" and "What's that?" have been the theme of my life. I suppose that is what drew me to academia and what keeps me here. There are just so many questions. I am convinced that God is not afraid of my questions nor is he bothered by them, because even in moments where I am lacking in faith, I can clearly testify that it is in those moments that I sense God is most near. So I will not call this is a season of spiritual dryness as I find God very present, but it is a season of questions and discontentment with the perceived answers. While I sense God is very close, it is not his voice I hear.

My sister-in-law is in a battle for her life. Makes all my challenges, questions and issues seem pretty small. I have a ton of knowledge and lots of education to back it up, but the question of cancer looms large in my mind. No academic degree can tell me why a person who lives in the light of grace and has the most intense faith and trust in the goodness of God is being tortured to death. I have a wonderful, Godly friend who asks me this often and I have pat answers about suffering that I give to her and they are all right and true, but even while I speak them to others I think...what a bunch of bull...and then I hear Karen speak and I am brought back again to the fact that this is not about cancer. This is about the goodness of God in the midst of the worst kind of human suffering.

It is my perogative that in these moments a person of faith turns their attention to their church and the community of worshippers that sustains them. It is here that much of my discontentment falls these days. Previous posts allude to this. I don't really "get" church right now. I will admit that we have struggled with even going to church as of late. We have had to contend deeply with the thought that we may have actually chosen the church we attend for the Pastor and now that he has been called elsewhere, we aren't so sure this is for us...yikes! Seriously? Have we become those people that were only attending a church for the PASTOR??? But it wasn't really the Pastor because as much as we love and respect this man...he couldn't get us to the pew every week. No, rather, I struggle more with the church universal than I do with one church in particular. And I do see myself as part of the problem.

We have not invested ourselves in our church. While we diligently pay our tithe and upon tax filing can say we actually gave upwards of an actual 10% this year, that is about all we put into it. Where your treasure is...there is your heart...10% is just about right. You only get out what you put in...why, why am I not putting more in?? Why am I not willing to make the investment?

The question is not where is God, but rather the question is where am I? I find more spiritual discernement in a NY Times Op-Ed piece by a rock star celebrity than I do anyplace else ( http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/19/opinion/19bono.html?_r=5) and yet I feel guilty that I found it there and not from "the church" like maybe I am looking in the wrong place. I agree that in times of struggle people often turn to the church for a place of comfort, but honestly, I don't think God is worried about the American economy...so teaching on financial security and not God security makes me crazy. When we turn to our church is to find something bigger and bolder and greater than ourselves. It is about stepping outside of what is happening in a fallen and evil world, not analyzing it from a Fox News perspective masked as a spiritual teaching.

So if we can get the same news from the church as we get from CNN, then why not just stay home and watch CNN? And whatever you do, do not turn on Christian Radio. You might be lucky to hear an occasional teaching if you can stomach the "Healthy, Wealthy, and Wise" programming that is sandwhiched between a vitamin infomerical and Christian legal programming. Really? There are people in this world who are dying and going to hell every day and our message is that if they had just used this herb combined with this financial plan and coupled with a donation to fight this legal battle, then God would save their souls. Really? If only I were rich and thin...sounds more like an article in Glamour magazine than Godly wisdom.

And yet, God's presence is strong. I sense him right here as I cry through these words. Despite my often lacking faith and my constant questions, the presence of God is so clear to me. Isn't that amazing? That is what seperates God from the church. No one even notices that we have been missing from church, but God not only sees and hears, but he comes to me before I can even get the question out and he lets me sit at his feet and soak in his presence and he stays right there until I am done with my questions. Sometimes he answers right away, but somedays, like today, he just sits silently and holds me tight because he knows even better than I do that is not the answer that I need, it is just him...he is afterall..the answer.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Just Give Me Jesus

I know it has been awhile since I last wrote here and I really struggle to put my thoughts down in this format, but for my friends and family who occasionally check in and for that random reader who might just have an opinion, I feel I need to write again.

So here is something that has really been driving me crazy and I just need to vocalize it. I have really been going through such a dry stretch spiritually. This is for a number of reasons which include, but are not limited to:

1) Work schedules that include overnight shifts that keep my husband from getting home before church starts and my utter lack of desire to go to service by myself.

2) Not totally understanding where we are in our lives and where we go from here and feeling a bit like God isn't really concerned with that (even though I know better and continue to talk to Him about this).

3) Total disappointment with what seems to be the great topic of teaching in churches that I am associated with and even the one I attend. I am so confused as to why Jesus seems totally forgotten in church.

It is on point 3 that I will vent for now. Seriously, I know it is July 4th week and some churches are choosing to honor the Friday holiday on either Sunday surrounding it. Let me just say for the record--I love this country. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!! I cry at the National Anthem, I can't say enough thank you's to those service people who are giving their lives in service to our country. I love history and Kevin and I are currently listening to a great book on CD about the Founding Fathers. I love this country.

What I am challenged by is the swapping of patriotism for faithfulness and religious belief. I think churches should honor the birthday of this country and to talk about our religious history and the role faith plays in our lives as citizens. Have a concert, present a program, please, honor our military, but could we please not forget that our worship is to be of Jesus and not the United States.

Our speaker on Sunday morning was a politician and a professor of communication at a local university. Both of these things appeal to me. Unfortunately, the presentation was just bad. No coherent point, all over the place in terms of organization, you name it. I would have failed the speech in one of my Freshman level classes, but to top it off, she claimed that the Constitution was a divinely inspired document and that she is pretty sure that the founder's must have prayed daily as they began their sessions and prayed about the document that God was giving them to write. It was all I could do to stay and keep listening.

The Constitution is a great document, but it is not anywhere near divinely inspired. No where near scripture in my opinion. Seriously!!! It has been amended 20 times. Did God get it wrong the first time with the inspiration or maybe they just weren't listening on those points.

Again, I am all for demonstrations of patriotism, but couldn't we have just worshiped Jesus? Couldn't we have been taught about true freedom? The freedom that only comes from a personal relationship with Jesus???

Our church is not the only one with this fervor...combine and election year with the 4th and whew!!! Topics I have heard recently include that Thomas Jefferson was really tantamount to an Evangelical and a Christian Education class that is talking about the British failure of the Jews after WWII. What???? Jesus...that is what we need...that is what I need. That is what we all need.

I am just so discouraged that I get more and more why people are leaving the church. We can't use words like sanctification and we can't teach doctrine and theology. Really??? People don't know those words and the reason behind our theology because we are spending our time on the apologetics of Thomas Jefferson and not on teaching people about Jesus and the gifts he has given us and the role they play in our lives.

I guess I just feel alone in my quest to serve the Lord better. It is lonely. We are taught that we need the church and the community of the faithful to build our faith, but if this is what the church sees as the important topics of faith, then I am not sure I want it. Just being honest.

So there is my vent. I am praying about this, too. I am not just talking about it. I hope that reveals something new that I can share later on.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Writing to Want to Write

I will be honest, I need to be writing. I am trying to finish a dissertation...okay, let's be honest...while I have been researching for over a year now...I need to start writing a dissertation so that I can stop being in school and finally get a job that will help pay back the investment I have made in all of this education.

I have not been very successful and sharing my thoughts in this forum and after my trip to Europe, I haven't even been writing in my "old-fashioned" journal. I can't seem to write. I literally feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I know that is crazy. I have been writing for over 10 years in an academic capacity. This is no different. There is nothing monumentous about a dissertation...or so I have been told. Dissertations are just the accumulation of the writing you have done for the last two years...or so I have been told.

The truth is, I am burned out. The burning bush that Moses stood in front of was clearly on fire but was never consumed. I feel like the fire is out and I am burned to a crisp. I am tired and I am lost and I feel all alone on this one.

I am scared to write. Ultimately, that is what it comes down to. I have made it this far and now I am on my own and I am scared out of my mind that I do not really have a clue what I am doing. I have been told that I just need to do a "brain dump." I just need to sit down and just empty my brain. And yet, I am afraid.

I have the best husband and I have the most supportive family. I have friends who are the most loyal and uplifting. It is not the people around me or my circumstance. No one has "done this to me" or "caused this situation." I don't want any of you who read this to think that you are responsible or in some way have brought me to this place. I am the reason I cannot write. It is the voice inside of me that says..."You cannot do this." There is nothing to say.

This is why I have come back here. I thought, if I just write. If I just start to put what is in my head out on the page, then I will have nothing left, but what I have immersed myself in for the last two years. I believe in what I am studying. I believe the voices need to be heard and that our daughters will have a different experience if these voices are finally given their due. I still believe that it call comes back to rhetoric and if we examine our communication, we can change the world. I still believe that...somewhere.

I guess this is what Ben refers to as a "brain dump". I need to dump it all and just get back to the beginning...and write.

Monday, October 15, 2007

There's No Place Like Home

So the blog thing hasn't worked as well as I thought it would. I was really excited to journal while we traveled and to keep updated on what we did and the things we saw, but alas, it was not to be. First, all the blog instructions were in German and when my password didn't seem to want to work so I could post, the instruction email also came in German. I guess I just need to learn German!

We have been home for a few days now and it is almost better to be home than it was to be away. That is not to say I didn't have a great time or that I regret going or any of that, but if there is one thing that I realized while I was away...I have a great life. I have a great life. I have a great husband, a great dog, a good job, great teaching opportunities, great friends, a great church. You name it. I have a great life.

I think that too often we get so caught up in the nature of wanting more, looking over the rainbow for the next tomorrow and what it will bring us. I am very goal oriented and with that comes a sense of looking ahead and planning. I think I get too caught up in that. I am constantly looking ahead. Unfortunately, I have often looked beyond the amazing things I have right now in order to do this. I still want to be a planner and I still want to set goals, but I really want to see what is in front of me.

I want to taste each moment and live for right now. I know that sounds so trite, but it is really true. I have never been so happy as I have been since coming home. I know where I belong, I know who I belong with and I know that what I have been given is an amazing gift. Both Kevin and I have said that we believe we are stronger as a result of this trip. We are not up for this kind of lesson again anytime soon, but we are so thankful that we had a chance to really learn that who we are and what we have is just exactly what we want. We don't need tomorrow. Today is just enough.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Off to the Alps

I am in Atlanta sitting at the airport...trying to get some work done. One more hour to go and it is off to Munich with my friend, Robin. I am so excited and so anxious and so ready to just be there. I will post from our trip and send some pictures along the way. Enjoy!

Conversations

I have been trying to come up with a blog name so that I too can enter the world of the internet communicators, but it was a greater challenge than I thought. The Exodus account of Moses with God in the burning bush has been and c ontinues to be my favorite bible narrative.

God is truely my I AM. I hope through my conversations at the burning bush that I AM is revealed to you as well.