Thursday, November 8, 2007

Writing to Want to Write

I will be honest, I need to be writing. I am trying to finish a dissertation...okay, let's be honest...while I have been researching for over a year now...I need to start writing a dissertation so that I can stop being in school and finally get a job that will help pay back the investment I have made in all of this education.

I have not been very successful and sharing my thoughts in this forum and after my trip to Europe, I haven't even been writing in my "old-fashioned" journal. I can't seem to write. I literally feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I know that is crazy. I have been writing for over 10 years in an academic capacity. This is no different. There is nothing monumentous about a dissertation...or so I have been told. Dissertations are just the accumulation of the writing you have done for the last two years...or so I have been told.

The truth is, I am burned out. The burning bush that Moses stood in front of was clearly on fire but was never consumed. I feel like the fire is out and I am burned to a crisp. I am tired and I am lost and I feel all alone on this one.

I am scared to write. Ultimately, that is what it comes down to. I have made it this far and now I am on my own and I am scared out of my mind that I do not really have a clue what I am doing. I have been told that I just need to do a "brain dump." I just need to sit down and just empty my brain. And yet, I am afraid.

I have the best husband and I have the most supportive family. I have friends who are the most loyal and uplifting. It is not the people around me or my circumstance. No one has "done this to me" or "caused this situation." I don't want any of you who read this to think that you are responsible or in some way have brought me to this place. I am the reason I cannot write. It is the voice inside of me that says..."You cannot do this." There is nothing to say.

This is why I have come back here. I thought, if I just write. If I just start to put what is in my head out on the page, then I will have nothing left, but what I have immersed myself in for the last two years. I believe in what I am studying. I believe the voices need to be heard and that our daughters will have a different experience if these voices are finally given their due. I still believe that it call comes back to rhetoric and if we examine our communication, we can change the world. I still believe that...somewhere.

I guess this is what Ben refers to as a "brain dump". I need to dump it all and just get back to the beginning...and write.

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